A certain problem has arose which I feel has to be bought to your attention.
My daughter Delilah, a fine young girl and a top student, has been for some time a student in the classes of Prof. A. E. Stringer. I venture to say she is one of his best students, being the only one to have almost passed the course last term and only not passing due to an unfortunate missunderstanding about the use of notes in the exammination.
My daughter Delilah come home last week in quite a State. While looking for books in the libry, she moved some books on a shelf and on the other side she saw a horrible sight, that was the face of Prof Stringer, and I quote “winking and woggling” at her. Coming over all queer at this sight, she retired to the Ladies Toilet, but what did she see on coming out of there but the Prof, and I quote “smirking and snorking” at her. Since then she has been Pursued by this chap in a most Indecent manner. She can hardly turn round but what she sees him lurking and leering or slinking and snarking at her.
Now I could make quite a bit of trouble about this, but as an alarmist of the Dog Road Institute I don’t want to cause any trouble. What say you give the feller the push and we’ll say no more about it?
Sir Harry Biggarby has confirmed that Professor Stringer’s conduct is the subject of an independent enquiry, headed by Sir Harry’s brother-in-law, the businessman B.K Bzeki. “Look, no one thinks more highly of the prof than me,” said Sir Harry, “but fair’s fair. We can’t have that sort of thing going on here.”
End of the Doggie?
A remarkable series of events occurred today at the Dog Road Institute. In support of Professor A. E. Stringer, the subject of an enquiry into sexual harassment of a female student, half the staff of the Institute gathered outside his classroom holding aloft copies of his influential treatise on English grammar and chanting, “We want Arnie!” while at the same time the other half of the staff, led by Mrs Landbody, spokesperson for the Dog Road Institute Cleaners’ Corporation, gathered outside the open windows of his classroom waving sandwiches and chanting, “Cheese, Arnie, cheese!” In the midst of this confusion, Sir Harry Biggarby announced that an Extraordinary Meeting of the Board of Governors had convened to discuss the future of the Institute.
Simultaneously, removal trucks were observed leaving the grounds via the rabbit-keeper’s entrance.
At five o’clock this evening Sir Harry made the following announcement:
Due to a severe shortage of cash, the Board has reluctantly concluded that the Dog Road Institute can no longer move forward proactively in respect of a vision of academic excellence that some people might say was a bit out of date. Not but what our troubles have been added to by the behaviour of some people I won’t mention but who seem to think they know better, but they are no better than they ought to be as our enquiry has shown. We have received a handsome offer from a respected businessman which will make the Institute a centre of excellence, further details of which are at present confidential. Everyone can go home now.
Is this to be the end of this venerable institution, the alma mater of so many distinguished Arrapamattians?
come back next week to find out….