Sunday serial: An extraordinary imbroglio (3)

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Baboon to probe Doggie

Further extraordinary developments in the Stringer saga. Overnight the campus was besieged by a furious crowd led by George Lappalappa, Mary Biffy and the Archbishop of Peterborough, who barricaded Sir Harry Biggarby in his office and sealed all doors and windows with Turtle Superstrength Glue. The group has now issued a press release with the demand that it be broadcast throughout the country:

Of all the lop-eared, lolly-legged, needle-nosed, spindle-shanked, terrapin-toed twisters, Biggarby, Bugbear and Bzeki take the cake. We won’t stand for it, no we will not stand for it. We demand the return of the Dog Road Institute to the good management of former days, with due respect paid to illuminations like Professor Arnold Egbert Stringer.

 Contacted by our reporter today, Professor Stringer has declined to comment on this statement beyond saying that he is “dismayed at its grammatical turpitude”. The Daily Roar has, however been informed by a chap who heard it from another chap, that an enquiry into the conduct of Sir Harry Biggarby and the agreement entered into with an unnamed businessman has been launched under the chairmanship of Sir Lucretius Baboon.

Baboon enquiry reverses Doggie sale

The enquiry headed by Sir Lucretius Baboon has severely reprimanded the erstwhile Chairman of the Board of Governors, Sir Harry Biggarby, for the conditions now prevailing at the Dog Road Institute. Sir Harry’s tenure has seen a disastrous fall in the academic standards of the Institute, according to Sir Lucretius. In particular, the unwarranted and specious attack mounted on the “Luminary of Linguistics”, Professor A. E. Stringer, has been singled out for castigation. In the words of the report,

Not content with filling the Institute with dodgers and twisters of every description undertaking courses of extreme uselessness and flightiness, the present Board of Governors has attempted at every turn to thwart the endeavours of Professor Stringer to maintain standards almost single-handedly. Their nefarious and scoundrelly activities deserve the contempt of all right-thinking Arrapamattians. The proposed sale of the Institute to a consortium headed by Mr B.K. Bzeki and Mr R. K. Bugbear must be resisted with all the force of law.

 The King has now spoken out for the first time, throwing his weight behind the Baboon report and nominating Professor Stringer as the next recipient of the prestigious King’s Award for the King’s Award. For the moment, the battle for the Dog Road Institute appears to have been won by the forces of academic excellence and propriety; however, even as we write this, rumours are surfacing of yet another shadowy figure, with associations to both Bzeki and Bugbear, preparing another assault on the venerable institution of learning. We urge Arrapamattians to maintain their vigilance.

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This is the last Sunday serial for a while, but we will be posting a piece of original writing each Sunday. Next week a poem about butterflies.

 

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