Gert’s Christmas catalogue


Yes we know you aren’t supposed to give useful domestic objects for Christmas, but this is one we guarantee any parent will snap up.

It’s Gert’s own invention, Bubclean, a spray you use to cover your child from head to foot to dirt-proof him. No more dunking him in the bath and scrubbing his face with a flannel. A yearly spray will keep him spotless.

If this doesn’t grab you you’re sure to find something else in Gert’s catalogue. How about an edible newspaper? Shoe-springs? An automatic hat-remover? Christmas false teeth (with batteries)? A glass wheelbarrow? A black-light torch with sonic extender?

Limited supply of some items, so get in quickly!


8 thoughts on “Gert’s Christmas catalogue

    1. Leslie, you must keep up with modern technology. Next you’ll be saying you prefer to brush your hair rather than using our automatic hair-alignment machine (now on special!)

  1. I’ve been looking in your excellent catalogue (“Lots of items you didn’t know you didn’t need” is an excellent tagline, by the way) but I failed to find two or three essentials listed, Gert, which I’d have expected to be included: the universal online fake-news-removal app — which does you-know-what — and the remote control which in real life silences at the press of a button the speech about to be given by a dodgy politician.

    Those are the most important, and would make countless lives bearable at a result, but I also searched in vain for a medication that would supply for me le mot juste just when I was on the verge of winning an argument. But perhaps that is something that would cancel out the aforementioned two aids missing from your catalogue and therefore account for their absence.

    1. The Russians must have meddled with our catalogue if those items are missing. You may have noticed, though, the do-it-yourself braincell injector, which may do the same job as the medication – just be careful where you inject it, and don’t lend it to anyone else.

      1. I have an inkling I may have already purchased the braincell injector but must have used it incorrectly as I have no remembrance of it.

        I see, though, that the very small print carries the warning “May contain covfefe” which probably explains a lot.

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