It’s all happening for Gert: Boris, teeth and toads


Big excitement for the Gerts – we have been approached by Theresa May to ghost-write a series of children’s books starting with Beastly Boris and the Big Red Bus. Child’s play!

We are already thinking of Boo For Beastly Boris, and Beastly Boris Goes Blop. For the US market, Beastly Boris Breaks Bad.

 Our only previous ghostwriting approach was from a dentist in Wisconsin wanting to write a book called The Tooth, a dystopia about a giant molar that escapes from Fundamentals Of Fixed Prosthodontics. Frankenstein for dentists, if you can imagine that. We declined.

But now that we’ve signed the contract with Theresa, we’re open for business and looking forward to hearing your projects.

And this article in the Guardian has given us an idea for our own new book:

Spanish porn actor arrested over fatal toad venom ceremony



9 thoughts on “It’s all happening for Gert: Boris, teeth and toads

  1. I did see that article. I have to admit that Gert wasn’t the first person who sprang to mind — more like the guy I dated after college who was a chem major easing his way into astrology and elementary alchemy beginning with mescaline. But it would certainly fit well with the Boris series. Something like Hillaire Belloc with a smidgin of Edward Gorey and perhaps rounded off with some Kipling Jungle Story twists?

    1. You have led a colourful life, Teri. Even more colourful if you too were into the mescaline.
      We weren’t thinking of the toad venom book as being about Boris, though. It will be much darker and weirder.

  2. How about Bugger Off Boris, or is that too rude a word for kids? There must be plenty of scope for some adult Ladybird books here. Three go to Barnard Castle, for example…

    1. Good heavens, Jaqui, I would never hav expected you to be so naaasty as Trump would say. Bugger Off Boris will be the last in the series. Yes, the jolly japes and wheezes of Dominic would make good adult Ladybird material. And how about a school series, like Billy Bunter, with all the chaps of the Upper Sixth chortling and slapping each other on the back. Jacob Rees-Mogg as the bounder.

  3. I tried writing a witty response a few hours ago, but couldn’t. I’m afraid I never quite bought into the buffoon image that BJ cultivated; now I can only think of him as a cold-hearted murderer, manslaughtering thousands of the citizens he’s supposed to safeguard through this pandemic and pursuing his ambition of enriching himself and his friends at the expense of the electorate under cover of the lie called Brexit — and all for what? The guy’s a vapid nonentity with a vacuum where there should be a soul. I can’t make jokes about him. (Or Theresa ‘hostile environment’ May. Or any of that scurvy crew.) ☹️

    1. Actually being PM in such difficult times has shown Boris up as it has Trump. I still do think of B as someone who thinks he’s a lot cleverer than he is, who’s managed to fool people and is now completely out of his depth. I don’t think he ever thought any of it through and he just doesn’t know what to do. In T’s case I think it’s more nakedly a grab for as much as you can get.

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